I remember after the accident happened, my mum asked me if I wanted to come home from uni. I said no. I didn’t want to sit at home in tears and surrounded by silence because let’s face it – who knows what to say in a situation like that. So afterwards I went upstairs and literally ALL my friends were in my little university kitchen waiting for me. Don’t get me wrong, everyone sat in silence for a few minutes before they all gave me a huge hug. They took me down to our college bar and we ordered pizza and played pool and no one would leave me on my own even for a split second. I can’t even explain how much I appreciate that.
I still had a week left of uni until the Easter break, so I moved my mattress into my friend’s room and for that whole week the only time I was on my own was when I showered. In that week my friends did everything for me – took me for milkshakes, food, sorted out deadline extensions and just generally made sure I was feeling okay. Even people I didn’t know very well were buying me cards or sending me nice messages.
But as time goes on, a lot of people kinda ‘forget’ what’s happened and the messages on Father’s Day, birthdays, Christmases and so on slowly fade away. I’ve stopped talking to a lot of people about what’s happened, because sometimes it does feel like they probably don’t care, they don’t know what to say anymore, or they can’t change it so what’s the point. I totally get it though – there’s only so many times you can say ‘I’m sure they’re really proud of you’.
So I’ve decided to write this post as a little helper for people who have a grieving friend.
A text may be all they need
Even when surrounded by people, it can feel like the loneliest time ever. It may feel as if they have no one to talk to and don’t want to bother anyone with their problems again. Unhealthy I know, but I definitely bottle a lot up because I feel I’m annoying people. Sometimes, a text may be all that person needs to make them feel better. Just ask them how they are coping (I would avoid ‘how are you’ because the response is always gonna be ‘I’m fine’, even if they’re not), or if they need anything. When you know a special occasion is coming up, send a text to say ‘thinking of you’, or ‘hope you’re okay today’, to remind them you care. It’s the smallest gesture, but it definitely goes a long way.
Remind them they're doing well
Even years later, there will be days where they feel they aren’t coping very well and things are piling on top of them. In fact on these days they’ll probably feel they have never coped well, and will probably feel weak. One thing that always makes me feel better is when people remind me that I am actually strong, and that I’ve managed to carry on with uni, and that all my feelings are completely normal/justified. So even if your friend hasn’t mentioned they’re having a bad day, just remind them they’re doing so well and they’re coping the best they can.
You don't always have to know what to say
I completely get it, you can’t bring someone back and you can’t change what’s happened. And as much as you want to always say the right thing and take away their pain, you can’t. But that’s fine, they don’t expect you to. They won’t always expect you to send a dissertation about how proud they would be, because it honestly just gets repetitive. A lot of the time they don’t even want to talk about it, and just want you to take their mind off of it. So make conversation, talk about random and interesting things, or even ask about the person they’ve lost – their memories, favourite things etc. It’s so much nicer to feel someone actually wants to hear about it, rather than hearing the same generic quotes from Pinterest.
Even if you don't know them
One of the most comforting things is finding someone who’s been through it as well. I’ve made a lot of friends at home and uni after they’ve reached out to me and helped me through their own experiences. And I can’t even tell you how helpful it is. It’s nice to see things from a different perspective, see how other people cope and to know how each other are feeling without necessarily talking about it. So even if you don’t know the person very well, message them and let them know you’re there if needed.
Code word
Despite writing these posts, I actually hate talking about my feelings. I find it cringey, uncomfortable and to put it bluntly I would rather just not talk about it. But that doesn’t mean I want to go through this on my own and completely bottle it up. That’s why me and my best friend decided that every time I felt down but didn’t want to talk about it, I’d just say our little code word. For me this is such a good way of expressing how I feel without actually having to talk about how I feel. Sometimes someone just knowing you feel upset and are thinking about things is enough. It also meant she sent me the little reminders of how strong I am and that I’m coping well, and she would make an extra effort to take my mind off of everything without me having to explicitly ask.
The worst thing you can do is avoid someone in a situation like this. Even if you feel awkward and don’t know what to say, don’t make them feel lonely or like you don’t care. Just tell them you’re thinking of them and you’ll be there if they need anything. It really is the little things.
For those of you that are going through this, there are a lot of Facebook groups you can join. I’ve joined WAY Teens and Preteens on Facebook (it’s not just younger people, there are also people in their early 20s), and have met so many lovely people who have made this a lot easier.